Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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