yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
