we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
