he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
