Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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