you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
