Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
