How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
