Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Randomize
