I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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