no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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