Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
