Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
