i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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