just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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