This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
