this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
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