Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
