awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
