I met the friendliest cop last night
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
