we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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