he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
