U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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