I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
