btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
