she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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