Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
