I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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