Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
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she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think a kid would responsible me up
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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