explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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