you lied. pity sex is amazing.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
