One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
