if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Welp...herpes.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
