PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
