The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
