i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
