Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
