I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
