my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
