I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
whose ass print is on the piano?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
