just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
