he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn