I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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