Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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