Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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