I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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