I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
