i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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