Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
