Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
