trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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