My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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