Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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