Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
there is glitter all over my balls
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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