I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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