FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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