I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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