Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
