cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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