matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
