Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
